Who am I?
 

•  
  Within me there are hidden a whole bunch of people
  looking through my eyes - sometimes with a blink of smile
  sometimes with some sadness -
  by repeating old encounters working through knotted dependencies
  and still not coming together Through the long chain of incarnations the spiral comes nearer to the center
  nothing is lost, all links are present:
  The Filipino musician, singer, dancer, actor, - surrendering
  The proud and desperate red Indian, - giving up
  The wise Egyptian priest and temple builder, - piercing through limits
  The buddhist tantra monk, - lost in love affairs with temple dancers

  There is the laughing zen priest, the alert samurai
  the silent Tibetan, the artistic Persian,
  and many more.

  The fighter, the wise, the desperate, the lonely, -
  the one who gave up, the one who stood up, the one who loved -
  again and again and again. -

  Going forward with the push of all of them behind -
  the pull to complete, to fulfill, to realize the core within.

  But then, who am I now, the visible in this present body?

  I am just a simple man:

  Who is washing his dishes, sweeping the floor,
  feeding dogs, cats, horse and chickens, watering plants,
  building a stonewall, repairing a motor, -
  writing a poem, watching the clouds, waking through the rain,
  sitting under a fig tree -listening to the silence within,
  being aware of motion-triggering in daily life.
  Trusting that the right event appears in the right moment.
  Being aware of what is offered, enjoying being alive.
  Going the pathless path, receiving by allowing, opening, loving.

  I am as well:

  A hard working mole in the earth
  an irrational clown in the clouds
  an emotional fire spitting vulcan
  a crazy rider in the full moon night
  a happy child with a toy
  a samurai-sword-sharp decider
  an incorruptible defender of truth
  a white falcon in the sun…

  Sometimes stubborn, relentless, too intense, impatient

  Sometimes feeling lonely, -
  longing for togetherness,
  sharing meals, feelings, thoughts, -
  tears and laughter -
  going into spaceless space

  Sometimes longing for love -
  longing for the one to give my love,-
  the final one

  I am Kristoffer.
   

I’m so tired of you confusing me. Really I am. And its like each time I feel that I’ve made a little progress with moving on, you do something like hugging me and saying you love me. Please just stop paying your games with me. don’t get me thinking there’s a chance when all you really want is to reassure yourself that I still love you. it hurts me, because I do still love you. damn you for not letting me go. Stop holding onto my heart. I was nice enough to give it to you, can’t you be nice enough to return it now that you’re done using it?

Am I mad at you? That’s your main concern after shattering my whole world? Mad For what? for breaking my heart? All the lies? Maybe for letting me put all my trust in you only to be betray the decency to tell me to my face?? how about the fact that you didn’t even care the way you think its crazy that I’m crying over it, cause you think breaking up is no big deal? Am I mad? No. more like crushed. Did I ever even really know you?

Before I met you, I was always considered the strong one, as the angel, the one who never got hurt; I could do anything and never fall. I felt like I was the epitome of invincibility; of confidence. Now you’ve come along, you’ve broken my heart, and you’ve shaken me from that really strong foundation that I had spent years constructing. I found out more about myself than I ever had before. I found that my foundation wasn’t as strong as I thought it was — I found that love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be — and I found that this time, maybe I won’t be able to get back up quite so easily.

I always said I’d never cry over you, but it’s hard to hold back tears when your worst fears come true. If this is just a crush, then I don’t know what I would do if the real thing happened. I want to cry, really I do but I guess I just don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that you hurt me….once again. I always said I’d never cry over you, but it’s hard to hold back tears when your worst fears come true.

You know how you told me my heart would get broken a thousand times in my life? Well there goes heartbreak number one.

 

-Kristoffer